Mixed thoughts on the page...

After many years of being overweight and battling with myself, I’m considering Lap-Band surgery. I’m not sure where this road may take me. But for the moment I’m considering a road that can really help me achieve my hopes and dreams.

Update: there's no way I'm hopping on the surgery train if I know I can do it on my own....and this I know. Cheers to the new adventure! 

There is so much to consider with this and I can't believe that I've let myself reach this place. 

In the past I’ve learned to almost overlook my weight. It was as if I accepted that I was always destined to be overweight.  That genetics put me here. However the real kicker is that I know what got me here. I recall the pizzas, the sweets and the drinks. I’m smart enough to put it all together but not strong enough to be able to control it.  It’s so self defeating and degrading at the same time.

All of this self-deprecation has really taken its toll on my soul.  I find myself hiding away from the world, depressed, filled with anxiety and knowing that I’m falling further and further into the rabbit hole.  My weight has become the thing that decides who what I do, whom I know and worse… It has decided who I am.

So who am I really? I think its time to find out.

Change your perspective and change your world

“You can do anything… for just 15 more seconds!” –Amy

These are the words my kickboxing coach spits out as I lay on the floor, covered in sweat, crunching my life away. 

That small phrase has resonated in a way I didn’t think was quite possible.

So what’s in a day?  It’s hours that are made up of minutes and minutes made up of seconds.  So if I can do anything for just 15 more seconds… Then the world should be my oyster.   And it shall be yours too.

So when you’re struggling… everything hurts… and all you want to do is quit. Remember “you can do anything… for just 15 more seconds!”

Health is the bane of my existence.

I feel like I’m trying but I’m stuck in my old ways of half assing things.  I think my problem in attached to the wording “trying”. “Trying” something healthy is much more like eating a healthy meal once to see if your stomach can handle tofu. “Trying” is temporary.

I know that I need a real commitment. Some kind of concrete change in the way I think about health. 

The one thing I do know is that I have to find a way to change how I think about myself and my health. Now if only I knew how to change that...

Kickboxing Kosama style

Kickboxing Kosama style

Today’s drill sergeant was Amy. She is awesome, motivating and hilarious. Nothing is a better fit when I’m a fish out of water who’s flipping, flailing and kicking about.

Literally, I was covered in sweat, gasping for air and trying very hard to still look cool as I realized that I could not in fact beat someone up. It would be way more effort and I just don’t have that kind of energy.

Kickboxing with Kosama was a blast and it was a hard workout. Thanks Amy for such wonderful support and encouragement.  Also, Amy, I will never pick a fight with you. 

I wish that there were an “easy button” for weight loss.

But since there isn’t… Here’s my current plan.

1. Body Media Fit Link- Monitors my mets, movement and calories daily.
2. Kosama – Gym and trainers
3. Diet- less fat, more protein, more vegetables, water consumption and portions control.

So far the gym is kicking my butt. I managed to hit 3 Kosama classes in my first week despite barely being able to walk after the first class.  This week I’m planning on hitting: kick boxing, yoga and the cardio class.

Now for the diet: Tea, tea and more tea. Drinking tea and water has really helped my skin and has kept me away from eating when I’m bored and not hungry.

I think I’m moving in the right direction. Now the only thing I need to work out is the way I think about myself.

Kosama day 3

 Kosama aftermath…

Lordy I have never ever been so sore.  I was really weighing my options on whether a Wednesday workout with Kosama was even possible after the first real butt kicking.  However, I decided to be my own champion and I dragged myself kicking and screaming (mostly in my quads) all the way into the next class.  I’m so glad that I went.

Today’s punishment; KosamaCore; was delivered by Rebekah.  Basically KosamaCore was a workout hidden beneath a yoga costume.   The studio was dark; yoga mats laid strewn about and lean comfy pants wearing yogi people lounged around.  I thought to myself… self this is the perfect was to spend my morning. 7:40am easy yoga was on my mind until the sweat was dripping off my face and my legs were shaking.

The great thing about this workout was that I got to stretch out the muscles that were so sore from the Mondays beating.  I also really enjoyed the variety between the two classes. So far I think that Kosama really has a great mix between activities and changing up the muscles that you’re using each day.  

Now if only I could find some people to hit these workouts with… any takers??  ;) 
 

Kosama day 2

Kosama day 2.

Today I learned what a real workout really is. Monday is a KosamaPower day.

I hit a wall where I knew that if I tried to squat just one more time that I wasn’t getting back up.  My legs were shaking and my arms couldn’t do one more pushup.  Tricia, the coach of this painful lesson, is and was awesome. I found myself looking to the door thinking I could run and at each of these moments Tricia was there to hold me fast to my workout.

Its clear to me that a Kosama workout is nothing short of the butt kicking I deserve for letting myself go. If you're considering trying out a new you in 2013 I'd love to have you join me with Kosama. ;)

Kosama- Assesment day

Today was the first day of my Kosama journey.


Assessment day, Otherwise known as find out how weak and out of shape you are day.

So how was it??

For me it was a blast, but I often find fun in things that are not meant to be fun. When you enter the building you're greeted by several fit and fun people. You can tell that these people actually love what they do and because they love it... its possible that you might in fact grow to love this type of punishment as well.  That or its like childbirth and its so painful you forget everything except the feeling of joy as you leave the gym that day.  I'm hoping for option number one.



Assessment day was a day for learning. I learned the proper techniques for planks (ouch), squats, lunges, pushups and how to best play with kettle balls without getting hurt. 

The next step took me back to elementary school and the presidents physical assessment testing they did. How many can you do? how far can you stretch? how long can you hold yourself up?  I found that I am more out of shape and inflexible then I ever imagined.  I knew that I was a big girl going in... but I didn't think I was a weak girl as well. I always figured that underneath my flubber exterior was muscles with strength enough to hold my own.  However, when it came to dangling my weight from a TRX system and holding myself up with my arms... I clearly could not hold my own very long.


After the assessment came the measurements.

According to there scale I was 239.6 (which is fantastic knowing that I'm coming from 250), my body fat was 48.0% and my hydration was 38.1%.

Like going to the doctor... the worst part is always standing on the scale, in front of a twig of a nurse who doesn't know you, and letting her know your most guarded secret.  This too was true with Kosama's scale. What I didn't expect was finding out exactly what percentage of my body was fat.  After this... the scale at the doctors seems like a cake walk.


Overall, I'm excited and up for a challenge. This is going to be a massive change for me and I'm ready.

 

1-10-13

1-10-13

A good enough day as any for a fresh start…

I’m sorry father blog but it has been months since my last online confession.  I know that I left everyone on weight loss cliffhanger and that was exactly how I was feeling. Defeated, tired and hungry I had given my self a break from where I was heading and decided to focus a little more on the mental part of my struggles.

But now I’m back and with a better plan of attack.

I was silly to think that I could do this all alone and now I’m recruiting help. I have a doctor on board and trainer on my side.

Updates to follow.